Today’s theme song wouldn’t let me sleep, seriously. Anytime my brain came anywhere near to conscious thought, there it was. Then there was the part of my brain that was making sure I got the lyrics right this time. You see growing up I never heard “you are a magnet and I am steel”, instead I heard “you are romantic and I am still”. So I always thought of it as a song about a guy who was afraid to move despite getting all the signals saying it’s okay. Maybe I was just projecting.
With you I’m not shy…
Most of my life I’ve been what you call shy, introverted, easy to embarrass. I’m in my forties yet I still blush like a schoolgirl. It’s not a gimmick I can’t help it. And being shy costs; I make a lousy first impression. My shyness is often misinterpreted as aloofness or disinterest. Truth is I’m scared out of my mind. I’m awkward, I’m a dork, I’m constantly afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Even if I’ve had a gazillion conversations with someone online, in person is completely different. My running joke used to be the I can get along and form a relationship easily online, but once they met me, it was over. And that held true for a long time. The emails petered off after a first meeting. I blamed my looks, but mostly it was my shyness.
WIth bigger social interactions I’m learning to not hide in a corner, to forge ahead and be my awkward self. I can always lament about how embarrassing I was on the ride home. But one on one interactions, I’m still working on. There is though that rare person who I’m willing to allow myself to be awkward, to try to reach past my shyness to connect. Those people I just know are going to become very important to me.
…my secrets to reveal
There is only one reason we keep secrets, FEAR. Fear of rejection, of persecution, of exclusion, of ridicule… fear of not being loved. How many friendships, relationships, grow stale, grow apart because the one person we should feel the most comfortable with we still don’t trust with our true selves?
Ei, my friend, mentor, fairy godmother, is probably one of two or three people who is the closest to knowing my true self. Ei was the first person I came out to about my orientation and relationship style. She’s the person who I can share my feelings without fear of being judged. Any questioning is done out of love and a desire to know more. Letting go of secrets is relieving the body, the spirit, of unnecessary burdens.
The secrets we seem to hold onto the most are the things that make us happy. Of these the greatest are sexual desires. I believe part of the reason that 50 Shades of Grey is so popular (even though I still refuse to read it) is because it made “weird” sexual desire somewhat mainstream. That Suzy Homemaker can be safe with the knowledge that her secret desires are not as “deviant” as those of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. One of the greatest pleasures can be gleaned when you telling your lover a desire and have them respond with “we can do that.” But even if that is the most likely response, believe me I know from experience, it’s still hard to put yourself out there.
For you are romantic and I am still.