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Category Archives: introspective

Reason to get out of bed

nVrl9dGToday’s post from the other blog.

I’ve rarely been one of those people who can’t wait to get out of bed in the morning. There was a time in my life that just merely waking up and realizing I had live another day would cause a sobbing fit. For me, most times, getting out of bed is an automatic function, not something I want to do but people expect me too and the bladder can be a harsh mistress. This is to say that there is very little I look forward to each day.

However, now I have three days to look forward to. Maybe not the whole day, I’m nowhere near that happy of a person, but at least a couple hours of it is worth getting out of bed for. And that’s when I am on the air.
I’ve wanted to be a media personality from a very young age. One of the first vocal impersonations I could do was Howard Cosell. I would record myself to see if I was getting any better, let’s just say there was no chance of me being famous for my Howard Cosell. I would also record myself being a reporter for the local news stations as well.
When middle school came along there was a summer enrichment program in television and radio production, I loved it even though I couldn’t juggle all the DJ equipment. It helped me chose a high school with a media program… where I spent practically all my four years on newspaper. I kind of gave up and forgot about it, not wanting to go into a career as a journalist.

Read more here.

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Posted by on April 5, 2014 in introspective

 

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Today’s Theme Music – Howl

priges_m/RGBstock.com

priges_m/RGBstock.com

This song won’t leave my head so I guess it wants me to write about it.  Until the movie 21 & Over (movie #300), I had never heard Howl by The Gaslight Anthem.  But since I hunted down the single, I’ve been hooked on it.  It certainly doesn’t hurt that shares the name with one of my favorite poems.

Howl

“I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix…” — Allen Ginsberg

I’ve seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by stress and apathy; bloated, complacent. Unmoving in front of the flickering screen looking for a means of escape.  I see brilliant minds flipping burgers, working two and three jobs, under the thumb of mercurial bosses with zero hope of upward mobility.

Do you still hear the sound of the thunder while you lie up by yourself?

I see them buried under the twin loads of student loans and credit card debt.  The only escape from which is the grave.  I see brilliant, compassionate, amazing people, barren and alone.  Chipping away the pieces of their beautiful souls in the ever fading hope of being noticed, of being loved.

Do you believe there’s still some magic left, somewhere inside our souls?

Do three impossible things before breakfast, no matter how small.  Magic is not an illusion; it’s the seed from which joy springs.  Water it with your dreams, your hopes, and the infinite possibilities.  That piercing light that warms the soil and lights the way is the same that casts deep shadows of doubt everywhere.  One cannot exist without the other.

Bless your waters

Bless your doubts

 
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Posted by on December 10, 2013 in introspective, Music

 

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Today’s Theme Music – This Too Shall Pass

Image by Borissos/stockfresh.com

Image by Borissos/stockfresh.com

You know you can’t keep lettin’ it get you down

I have been unemployed for fifteen months.  Being unemployed can be hell on your self-esteem between the constant rejections and the assumptions of people as to why you can’t get employed. We are raised in a society were often our self-worth is tied to our net worth.  That what you do for a living is more valued than who you are as a person. It was amazing sometimes how people seemed to respect me more when I could say I was a Graphic Designer and I worked for an international magazine.  The job wasn’t glamorous by any stretch of the imagination, at best it was just a job, at worst it was soul sucking.

I have spent most of my unemployed time feeling desperate.  Even though there was a biweekly unemployment check coming in I still treated myself like I was a leech.  That I didn’t deserve anything because I was jobless, that without a title, I was nothing.  HB and Kitty didn’t treat me this way, I take responsibility, it was all my fault.

But you know what?  I HATE nine-to-five jobs.  Even jobs I love, I hate the same thing every dayness of it.  I burn out every time, usually not making it to the three year point.  I need variety, I need to let things go and come back to them, or not.  So why am I stressing about not working 40+ hours a week at a desk?

When the money goes 

Everyone mishears lyrics and once again I’m guilty.  All the time I’ve heard this line as when the money goes and actually it’s when the morning comes. I think I needed to hear it this way.  I stress way too much about money.  Especially when I really am not a money centric person.  But sometimes I feel it’s the only thing I can really give to people that they value.

There was a time, over five years ago, when this household of three was of four.  That person chose to move on and of course took their money with them.  I’m in charge of household finances and PANICKED.  I estimated that we had maybe three or four months before the bills will not be able to be paid.  It never happened.  It never happened.

And now we are probably going from three to two. I have come to the conclusion that I probably will never again have a regular 9 to 5 job.  I’m in my 40’s, I have a spotty work history, I don’t have a bachelor’s degree in a field that increasingly wants one and you know, I don’t really want to go back for one.  That being said I don’t sit around the house all day with my thumb up my butt either.  I freelance, I sell excess clutter on ebay, I enter codes to get free products, I cook so we don’t have to eat out, I manage the money.  I CONTRIBUTE.  So far, so good. There has been some juggling but we aren’t delinquent.  And now, I’m not worried.

Let it go

I realized I spent the first year of my unemployment beating my head against the wall, trying to make things happen that deep down I didn’t want to happen.  Now, I’m letting that go.  Deep down I’m happiest as a hustler, or to put it prettier, I’m a renaissance soul, I feel better with multiple streams of income.  And I know I would never ever let this household become delinquent. I know the universe provides if you let go, and keep your eyes open to the opportunities that may arise, subtly out on the edges of your vision. And if say I had to work at as a cashier at Walmart for a bit of time, I’d be okay.  I’m not required to stay there forever, I don’t have to be stagnant.

The thing is everything changes, constantly.  Nothing stays the same, it passes from one form to another.  The good, the bad, it’s all mutable. I need lots of change, stagnation makes me burn my motors out trying to move, trying to transform. I realize everyone is not like that and it’s okay, really. Small changers keeps structures stable. They hold back everything from spinning into absolute chaos.  But they still change.  Change is inevitable, this moment, this second, this joy, this pain, this…

This too shall pass

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2013 in introspective, Music

 

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The Perfect Fail

perfectfailA friend and I had a conversation recently about perfection.  It was a sometimes frustrating conversation as all good ones usually are. But the take-away from the navel gazing session is this; perfection is in the eye of the beholder.  Recently I achieved, in my not so humble opinion, the perfect fail.

Ansonstock/Stockfresh.com

Ansonstock/Stockfresh.com

As you are quite aware I set a goal this year of watching a new to me movie each day.  What you may not know is that I’m really bad at keeping track of them.  Probably about once every couple of weeks or so there is this frenzied memory game of writing down what I’ve watched.  Luckily the streaming services I use keep histories and generally I mentioned movies I’ve rented or saw in the theatre to someone on chat or in email.  Yesterday I was trying to recollect movies 269 to 291.  My first round of movie searching yielded all but three results. The second round left me with just one blank line.  Movie 270 was…I have no idea. In fact……….. it’s becoming increasingly likely that there is no movie 270.  After 269 days of “perfection”, I failed.

I didn’t take the news well.

There was screaming, crying, gnashing of teeth.  And why not?  291 days wasted, the reviews meant nothing, the movies I discovered, the classics I viewed, didn’t mean a thing.  All because it was going to 364 movies instead of 365.

Yes, it was very melodramatic.

Then thanks, in part, to some lovely friends on Facebook who gently slapped some sense into me, I’ve decided this is the perfect fail.  Why is it perfect? Because it freed me.  I was finding that more days than not I was dreading watching a movie.  I would put it off, debating whether or not among all my queues if there was the “right” movie to watch. Because in the pursuit of perceived perfection I was trying to be even more perfect. It wasn’t just 365 movies it was becoming 365 perfect movies. Then there was also the constant reminder that I was yet another movie review behind.  But by committing the perfect fail the pressure was off.  There is now no way I can complete the original goal so I’m free to change the rules.  I’m no longer a slave to the goal, I can do whatever I want.

Which is how it should’ve been all along.

So I will continue to watch a movie a day for the rest of the year because when I look back at the movies and not the numbers, it’s been a pretty interesting journey.  I’ve watched movies I would’ve never watched otherwise.  I’ve caught up on some of the classics.  I’ve discovered new actors and directors and genres.  And most importantly I’ve got to share them with you.  Because what good is it to watch a great (or horrible) movie if you can’t share the experience?

That being said I will review the rest of the movies, just not the way I have before.  It has become way too daunting and frankly it’s caused me to procrastinate like crazy.  You’ll start seeing the new review format soon,  I think you will enjoy it even more than the current version.

So a toast to movie 270, that one blank line in a sea of ink.  Emptiness among the completed tasks.  Proof that something may or may not have existed.   To movie 270, the perfect fail.

 
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Posted by on October 20, 2013 in introspective

 

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Today’s Theme Music – King of Birds

krayker/rgbstock.com

krayker/rgbstock.com

King of Birds popped up in my Pandora today.  I haven’t heard it in a while but it reminded me of my first band obsession, R.E.M.  Thanks to MTV in the 80’s, I discovered many artists; Cindy Lauper, Culture Club, Men at Work, and R.E.M.  I owned at least an album or cassette of each.  The first R.E.M. video I saw was for It’s the End of the World as We Know It, after that was Stand.  I bought the cassette and became obsessed.  I knew every song, the order, and the words, well as much of the words as one can with Michael Stipe.

Then I had to go buy the previous albums and memorize them too.  Even today I can hear pretty much any song from Murmur (mostly) through Green and tell you which song goes next.  After that it starts to get hazy.

Singer sing me a given, singer sing me a song

One of the first songs I performed in front of mostly strangers was Swan Swan H off of Life’s Rich Pageant.  I had sung in church choir when I was a child and did a song for a camp talent show but this was my freshman year at college.  I had managed to make a handful of friends but they hadn’t known me more than a couple of months.  This was also alumni weekend so 99.9% of the crowd I hadn’t even met.  But somehow I screwed up my courage and stood on a stage by myself, without musical accompaniment, and belted out a song I still don’t fully understand but find hauntingly beautiful.

Standing on the shoulders of giants, leaves me cold

What I like about R.E.M. are beautiful lyrics completely open to interpretation. And believe me a lot of their songs have changed meaning for me over the course of my life.  I didn’t think much of the shoulders of giants line at first but as I tried to make my way in the world it’s meaning kind of smacked me in the face.  I’m all for appreciating the past and those who made contributions then to make my life easier now.  But then there comes a point where the next generation can’t make their own way because they aren’t allowed to do anything because the older generation knows better and has more experience.  Never seeming to realize that someone had to have given them a chance one time as well.  That was me and a lot of activism when I was younger.  Part of the reason I left.  I didn’t want to be in charge and I know I wasn’t always right, but I wanted to be at least listened to and be able to contribute.  Maybe that’s all changed, but the idea of going back leaves me cold.

There’s time to teach

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2013 in introspective, Music, Writing

 

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Today’s Theme Music – In the Middle

I haven’t had a lot of time to write lately mainly because of working on the pay-the-bills side of my life.  However, I heard this song and just had a feeling someone needed to hear it besides myself. Have you ever felt that way? Anyway, there is a lot of things I want/need in my life right now and I’m not a very patient girl. My body is not cooperating in so many ways and I feel I’m too slow, too unattractive, too whatever, to get what I want out life. Sometimes it’s hard to keep going when you can’t see the finish line.

It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).
— lyrics, Jimmy Eat World – In the Middle

 
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Posted by on September 17, 2013 in introspective, Music

 

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Today’s Theme Music – Magnet and Steel

©joggi2002/Stockfresh

©joggi2002/Stockfresh

Today’s theme song wouldn’t let me sleep, seriously. Anytime my brain came anywhere near to conscious thought, there it was. Then there was the part of my brain that was making sure I got the lyrics right this time. You see growing up I never heard “you are a magnet and I am steel”, instead I heard “you are romantic and I am still”. So I always thought of it as a song about a guy who was afraid to move despite getting all the signals saying it’s okay.  Maybe I was just projecting.

With you I’m not shy…

Most of my life I’ve been what you call shy, introverted, easy to embarrass.  I’m in my forties yet I still blush like a schoolgirl.  It’s not a gimmick I can’t help it.  And being shy costs; I make a lousy first impression.  My shyness is often misinterpreted as aloofness or disinterest.  Truth is I’m scared out of my mind.  I’m awkward, I’m a dork, I’m constantly afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Even if I’ve had a gazillion conversations with someone online, in person is completely different.  My running joke used to be the I can get along and form a relationship easily online, but once they met me, it was over.  And that held true for a long time.  The emails petered off after a first meeting.  I blamed my looks, but mostly it was my shyness.

WIth bigger social interactions I’m learning to not hide in a corner, to forge ahead and be my awkward self.  I can always lament about how embarrassing I was on the ride home.  But one on one interactions, I’m still working on.  There is though that rare person who I’m willing to allow myself to be awkward, to try to reach past my shyness to connect.   Those people I just know are going to become very important to me.

…my secrets to reveal

There is only one reason we keep secrets, FEAR.  Fear of rejection, of persecution, of exclusion, of ridicule… fear of not being loved.  How many friendships, relationships, grow stale, grow apart because the one person we should feel the most comfortable with we still don’t trust with our true selves?

Ei, my friend, mentor, fairy godmother, is probably one of two or three people who is the closest to knowing my true self.  Ei was the first person I came out to about my orientation and relationship style. She’s the person who I can share my feelings without fear of being judged.  Any questioning is done out of love and a desire to know more.  Letting go of secrets is relieving the body, the spirit, of unnecessary burdens.

The secrets we seem to hold onto the most are the things that make us happy.  Of these the greatest are sexual desires.  I believe part of the reason that 50 Shades of Grey is so popular (even though I still refuse to read it) is because it made “weird” sexual desire somewhat mainstream.  That Suzy Homemaker can be safe with the knowledge that her secret desires are not as “deviant” as those of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey.  One of the greatest pleasures can be gleaned when you telling your lover a desire and have them respond with “we can do that.” But even if that is the most likely response, believe me I know from experience, it’s still hard to put yourself out there.

For you are romantic and I am still.

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2013 in introspective, Music, Writing

 

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