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You know you can’t keep lettin’ it get you down
I have been unemployed for fifteen months. Being unemployed can be hell on your self-esteem between the constant rejections and the assumptions of people as to why you can’t get employed. We are raised in a society were often our self-worth is tied to our net worth. That what you do for a living is more valued than who you are as a person. It was amazing sometimes how people seemed to respect me more when I could say I was a Graphic Designer and I worked for an international magazine. The job wasn’t glamorous by any stretch of the imagination, at best it was just a job, at worst it was soul sucking.
I have spent most of my unemployed time feeling desperate. Even though there was a biweekly unemployment check coming in I still treated myself like I was a leech. That I didn’t deserve anything because I was jobless, that without a title, I was nothing. HB and Kitty didn’t treat me this way, I take responsibility, it was all my fault.
But you know what? I HATE nine-to-five jobs. Even jobs I love, I hate the same thing every dayness of it. I burn out every time, usually not making it to the three year point. I need variety, I need to let things go and come back to them, or not. So why am I stressing about not working 40+ hours a week at a desk?
When the money goes
Everyone mishears lyrics and once again I’m guilty. All the time I’ve heard this line as when the money goes and actually it’s when the morning comes. I think I needed to hear it this way. I stress way too much about money. Especially when I really am not a money centric person. But sometimes I feel it’s the only thing I can really give to people that they value.
There was a time, over five years ago, when this household of three was of four. That person chose to move on and of course took their money with them. I’m in charge of household finances and PANICKED. I estimated that we had maybe three or four months before the bills will not be able to be paid. It never happened. It never happened.
And now we are probably going from three to two. I have come to the conclusion that I probably will never again have a regular 9 to 5 job. I’m in my 40’s, I have a spotty work history, I don’t have a bachelor’s degree in a field that increasingly wants one and you know, I don’t really want to go back for one. That being said I don’t sit around the house all day with my thumb up my butt either. I freelance, I sell excess clutter on ebay, I enter codes to get free products, I cook so we don’t have to eat out, I manage the money. I CONTRIBUTE. So far, so good. There has been some juggling but we aren’t delinquent. And now, I’m not worried.
Let it go
I realized I spent the first year of my unemployment beating my head against the wall, trying to make things happen that deep down I didn’t want to happen. Now, I’m letting that go. Deep down I’m happiest as a hustler, or to put it prettier, I’m a renaissance soul, I feel better with multiple streams of income. And I know I would never ever let this household become delinquent. I know the universe provides if you let go, and keep your eyes open to the opportunities that may arise, subtly out on the edges of your vision. And if say I had to work at as a cashier at Walmart for a bit of time, I’d be okay. I’m not required to stay there forever, I don’t have to be stagnant.
The thing is everything changes, constantly. Nothing stays the same, it passes from one form to another. The good, the bad, it’s all mutable. I need lots of change, stagnation makes me burn my motors out trying to move, trying to transform. I realize everyone is not like that and it’s okay, really. Small changers keeps structures stable. They hold back everything from spinning into absolute chaos. But they still change. Change is inevitable, this moment, this second, this joy, this pain, this…
This too shall pass