Horrible Horror Movies

24 Oct

It’s that time of year again. Halloween is just around the corner, horror movies are on every channel, and you are filling up your Netflix queue with gruesome selections.  But who has the time to watch all the horror movies out there?  Now there are a ton of lists of horror movies that you should watch, but if you are like me you’ve watched most or all of those already and have to go out on your own in search of more.  Well I’m going to help you by telling you what movies you are better off just avoiding like the business end of Jason’s machete.

You’ve seen this plot a hundred times, spend your time on something better.

AxeGiant2013These two movies aren’t the worst movies I’ve ever seen, it’s just that they are so lackluster and worst yet done to death.  Take coeds, throw them in a wooded area, send a monster after them; slaughter, mayhem, with one or two  survivors.  If I can guess who’s going to survive at the end in first fifteen minutes; you better have something great to make me still care.  These didn’t.  Now that’s not to say they don’t try.  In the case of Axe Giant: The Wrath of  Paul Bunyan (Movie 273 of 365) they try by turning a historical figure into monster.  Besides the fact that most kids nowadays have no idea who Paul Bunyan is to begin with, they don’t even use Babe the big blue ox in the killing spree.  Also they really need to decided how tall Bunyan is.  At the start of the movie he’s like normal height. 100+ years later (the beginning is a bad flashback) he’s somewhere between 10 and 50 ft tall depending on the scene and who is doing the special effects.  But the plot is this, a bunch of first time offenders are sent out in the woods as a learning experience with Mr. Wannabe Top Cop and Ms. Social Worker.  One offender does something stupid that attracts the attention of Bunyan.  He is so enraged he goes on a very bloody killing spree.  If you have nothing else to watch on a Saturday afternoon then watch it, otherwise skip it.  

PigHunt2008Pig Hunt (Movie 248 of 365) is just as bad.  Although they try to make up for it by adding a crazy cast of second stringers.  Once again we have co-eds but this time they are law abiding. They are heading into the woods to go wild pig hunting.  Really only John (Travis Aaron Wade) has any idea what he’s doing because this is his family’s old place.  So how is this a horror movie?  Your guess is as good as mine, but here is the rest of their attempt.  First throw in some crazed backwoods, not-quite-Deliverance, relatives of John.  They are also hunting boar and sometimes people.  Second throw in a marijuana growing hippie sex cult. Not even going to try to explain why they are there.  Third is the star of the movie, The Ripper, a 3,000 pound wild boar on a rampage.  All this serves to  muddy the plot, confuse the heck out of you, and draw out an already boring movie.  Yes there is nudity but even that can’t save this bad attempt at a creature feature.

Well if you like gross and vulgar…

Chillerama2011I’m not a prude, I like off-color humor, there are things that are so wrong but I still like.   However, if that’s all your movie is depending on then save us the time and just don’t make it.  Chillerama (Movie 259 of 365) starts juvenile and gets grosser by the moment.  This movie is basically a bunch of sketches wrapped around a loose plot about the last night of a beloved drive-in theater.  Oh  yeah, the impending doom that’s about to befall the theater goers. This movie was so chock full of poor taste that I almost stopped watching so many times.  It’s juvenile and in my opinion not the least bit funny or scary for that matter.  I bring up the funny because I think it was trying to be a horror comedy.  Trying being the operative word.  The only saving grace is the drop lines from other movies.  If I never have to watch this movie again it will be too soon.

AHauntedHouse2013Speaking of movies I don’t plan to watch again, A Haunted House (Movie 254 of 365).  Really I should’ve known better. I had seen Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 but I figured hey, maybe the Wayans’ younger brothers have matured.  Well this time it’s Marlon’s show, and no, he hasn’t matured.  I realize this is a horror parody, mostly based on the recent Paranormal Activity series but I think someone needs to tell Marlon Wayans that.  Mostly it comes across as how to make a movie when you are immature and high on recreational pharmaceuticals.  Not enough of the humor was horror related.  Instead it seems to be mostly, one bad sex joke after another and really after a while it just started to feel mean.  There was a laugh or two but mostly I just felt embarrassed for everyone in it. Particularly, Essence Atkins who plays Wayan’s girlfriend.

This is all you need to see of A Haunted House.

Covering crap with someone else’s label

I’ve already written about the last two movies.  I love zombie movies and I love the original Night of the Living Dead.  That just makes me loathe these two sequels in name only, Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (Movie 145 of 365) and Night of the Living Dead: Reanimation (Movie 150 of 365)even more than I would have if I had just sat through a crappy zombie movie.  I’m not going to rehash why again, just go look at the links.  Or better yet go watch something better, anything better.

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Posted by on October 24, 2013 in Movies, Reviews


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