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Monthly Archives: October 2013

Horrible Horror Movies

It’s that time of year again. Halloween is just around the corner, horror movies are on every channel, and you are filling up your Netflix queue with gruesome selections.  But who has the time to watch all the horror movies out there?  Now there are a ton of lists of horror movies that you should watch, but if you are like me you’ve watched most or all of those already and have to go out on your own in search of more.  Well I’m going to help you by telling you what movies you are better off just avoiding like the business end of Jason’s machete.

You’ve seen this plot a hundred times, spend your time on something better.

AxeGiant2013These two movies aren’t the worst movies I’ve ever seen, it’s just that they are so lackluster and worst yet done to death.  Take coeds, throw them in a wooded area, send a monster after them; slaughter, mayhem, with one or two  survivors.  If I can guess who’s going to survive at the end in first fifteen minutes; you better have something great to make me still care.  These didn’t.  Now that’s not to say they don’t try.  In the case of Axe Giant: The Wrath of  Paul Bunyan (Movie 273 of 365) they try by turning a historical figure into monster.  Besides the fact that most kids nowadays have no idea who Paul Bunyan is to begin with, they don’t even use Babe the big blue ox in the killing spree.  Also they really need to decided how tall Bunyan is.  At the start of the movie he’s like normal height. 100+ years later (the beginning is a bad flashback) he’s somewhere between 10 and 50 ft tall depending on the scene and who is doing the special effects.  But the plot is this, a bunch of first time offenders are sent out in the woods as a learning experience with Mr. Wannabe Top Cop and Ms. Social Worker.  One offender does something stupid that attracts the attention of Bunyan.  He is so enraged he goes on a very bloody killing spree.  If you have nothing else to watch on a Saturday afternoon then watch it, otherwise skip it.  

PigHunt2008Pig Hunt (Movie 248 of 365) is just as bad.  Although they try to make up for it by adding a crazy cast of second stringers.  Once again we have co-eds but this time they are law abiding. They are heading into the woods to go wild pig hunting.  Really only John (Travis Aaron Wade) has any idea what he’s doing because this is his family’s old place.  So how is this a horror movie?  Your guess is as good as mine, but here is the rest of their attempt.  First throw in some crazed backwoods, not-quite-Deliverance, relatives of John.  They are also hunting boar and sometimes people.  Second throw in a marijuana growing hippie sex cult. Not even going to try to explain why they are there.  Third is the star of the movie, The Ripper, a 3,000 pound wild boar on a rampage.  All this serves to  muddy the plot, confuse the heck out of you, and draw out an already boring movie.  Yes there is nudity but even that can’t save this bad attempt at a creature feature.

Well if you like gross and vulgar…

Chillerama2011I’m not a prude, I like off-color humor, there are things that are so wrong but I still like.   However, if that’s all your movie is depending on then save us the time and just don’t make it.  Chillerama (Movie 259 of 365) starts juvenile and gets grosser by the moment.  This movie is basically a bunch of sketches wrapped around a loose plot about the last night of a beloved drive-in theater.  Oh  yeah, the impending doom that’s about to befall the theater goers. This movie was so chock full of poor taste that I almost stopped watching so many times.  It’s juvenile and in my opinion not the least bit funny or scary for that matter.  I bring up the funny because I think it was trying to be a horror comedy.  Trying being the operative word.  The only saving grace is the drop lines from other movies.  If I never have to watch this movie again it will be too soon.

AHauntedHouse2013Speaking of movies I don’t plan to watch again, A Haunted House (Movie 254 of 365).  Really I should’ve known better. I had seen Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2 but I figured hey, maybe the Wayans’ younger brothers have matured.  Well this time it’s Marlon’s show, and no, he hasn’t matured.  I realize this is a horror parody, mostly based on the recent Paranormal Activity series but I think someone needs to tell Marlon Wayans that.  Mostly it comes across as how to make a movie when you are immature and high on recreational pharmaceuticals.  Not enough of the humor was horror related.  Instead it seems to be mostly, one bad sex joke after another and really after a while it just started to feel mean.  There was a laugh or two but mostly I just felt embarrassed for everyone in it. Particularly, Essence Atkins who plays Wayan’s girlfriend.

This is all you need to see of A Haunted House.

Covering crap with someone else’s label

I’ve already written about the last two movies.  I love zombie movies and I love the original Night of the Living Dead.  That just makes me loathe these two sequels in name only, Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (Movie 145 of 365) and Night of the Living Dead: Reanimation (Movie 150 of 365)even more than I would have if I had just sat through a crappy zombie movie.  I’m not going to rehash why again, just go look at the links.  Or better yet go watch something better, anything better.

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Posted by on October 24, 2013 in Movies, Reviews

 

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The Perfect Fail

perfectfailA friend and I had a conversation recently about perfection.  It was a sometimes frustrating conversation as all good ones usually are. But the take-away from the navel gazing session is this; perfection is in the eye of the beholder.  Recently I achieved, in my not so humble opinion, the perfect fail.

Ansonstock/Stockfresh.com

Ansonstock/Stockfresh.com

As you are quite aware I set a goal this year of watching a new to me movie each day.  What you may not know is that I’m really bad at keeping track of them.  Probably about once every couple of weeks or so there is this frenzied memory game of writing down what I’ve watched.  Luckily the streaming services I use keep histories and generally I mentioned movies I’ve rented or saw in the theatre to someone on chat or in email.  Yesterday I was trying to recollect movies 269 to 291.  My first round of movie searching yielded all but three results. The second round left me with just one blank line.  Movie 270 was…I have no idea. In fact……….. it’s becoming increasingly likely that there is no movie 270.  After 269 days of “perfection”, I failed.

I didn’t take the news well.

There was screaming, crying, gnashing of teeth.  And why not?  291 days wasted, the reviews meant nothing, the movies I discovered, the classics I viewed, didn’t mean a thing.  All because it was going to 364 movies instead of 365.

Yes, it was very melodramatic.

Then thanks, in part, to some lovely friends on Facebook who gently slapped some sense into me, I’ve decided this is the perfect fail.  Why is it perfect? Because it freed me.  I was finding that more days than not I was dreading watching a movie.  I would put it off, debating whether or not among all my queues if there was the “right” movie to watch. Because in the pursuit of perceived perfection I was trying to be even more perfect. It wasn’t just 365 movies it was becoming 365 perfect movies. Then there was also the constant reminder that I was yet another movie review behind.  But by committing the perfect fail the pressure was off.  There is now no way I can complete the original goal so I’m free to change the rules.  I’m no longer a slave to the goal, I can do whatever I want.

Which is how it should’ve been all along.

So I will continue to watch a movie a day for the rest of the year because when I look back at the movies and not the numbers, it’s been a pretty interesting journey.  I’ve watched movies I would’ve never watched otherwise.  I’ve caught up on some of the classics.  I’ve discovered new actors and directors and genres.  And most importantly I’ve got to share them with you.  Because what good is it to watch a great (or horrible) movie if you can’t share the experience?

That being said I will review the rest of the movies, just not the way I have before.  It has become way too daunting and frankly it’s caused me to procrastinate like crazy.  You’ll start seeing the new review format soon,  I think you will enjoy it even more than the current version.

So a toast to movie 270, that one blank line in a sea of ink.  Emptiness among the completed tasks.  Proof that something may or may not have existed.   To movie 270, the perfect fail.

 
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Posted by on October 20, 2013 in introspective

 

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Monday Help Out – Let the Music Play

Monday’s suck.  So help make them, and you, feel better by doing something for someone else.  I plan the Monday Help Out to be a weekly feature to boost the signal of people in need of assistance, financial or otherwise.  It can be an individual or group.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be a charity or people looking for crisis assistance.  It can fund an idea or a worthwhile project.  In other words people who could use some money thrown their way to help them move forward.

I commit to donating $5 (or the equivalent in items) to each organization mentioned in these features, I hope you can do the same.  Even $1 would be better than nothing and could mean a lot to someone else.  If nothing more than telling them that you see them and believe in them.

I called this week’s Monday Help Out, Let the Music Play because both of these are related to one of my passions, music.

Tacluda/RGBstock.com

Tacluda/RGBstock.com

On October 5th, my hometown, Louisville, was inundated with a lot of rain.  A record amount of rain causing flash flooding and regular flooding with many people suffering damage property and having to evacuate their homes.  If you are from Louisville then you knew someone who got some damage.

The person I knew was DJ Dali of KJSR.net.  I’ve never met DJ Dali in person but I’ve listened to her The Fantastic Voyage with DJ Dali and have talked her on live chat during other shows.  She’s good people and puts on a good show.

However, the flooding screwed her royally.  She lost her home, most of her belongings, and one of her pets.  She is currently unable to do Fantastic Voyage or her other show The Remedy due to these losses.  And that’s another tragedy.  DJ Dali could really use your help.  Please go here and donate if you can.  If you can’t help out with money than please help out by passing the link along.

Speaking of KJSR.net

KJSR.netKJSR.net may be only the #3 internet radio station in the world but it’s #1 in my heart.  Beside its eclectic collection of music and audio clips, everything from top 40 to old-time radio shows; their DJs are as varied as their audio library.  KJSR.net is not playing the same ten songs over and over again.  They just don’t play rock, or country, or dubstep; they play just about everything.  The DJs create the theme to their show and select their own music so you never know what you are going to get but it’s going to be interesting and good.

And they let me do a weekly movie review segment called Been Caught Streaming, currently on hiatus for a few weeks.

All this has been done for the last five years with volunteers and shoestring budget.  Which is why they accept donations.  There is no cost to listen to KJSR.net but you do have to register.  That’s because they don’t censor the music or the DJs there may be occasional profanity.  So take a listen and if you like what you hear then consider making a donation.

 
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Posted by on October 14, 2013 in Monday Help Out

 

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