I will not fail

08 May

This is my path

This is my destiny

I will not stop, and

I will not fail

The other day I was telling a friend of mine my plans for the day. That since I didn’t have any graphic design jobs that obviously the universe wanted me to write.  His response stunned me, he said that of course I needed to write and that I was a fantastic author.  I’ve been taking writing seriously for almost a year now and it still stuns me when anyone says I’m good. Despite the countless reviews and compliments, I still find myself doing an impression of the bashful buzzard in Looney Toons.

Now granted I’ve never been good at taking compliments but in this case it goes deeper than that.  When I lost my job again in August of 2012, my first thoughts were the same I always have when I become unemployed, “this is my opportunity to work for myself.”  And I try I really do, but mostly it goes down in flames.  Well that’s not completely true.  Generally I run away at the first sign of smoke.

Eight Years Unemployed

I didn’t always run to another job.  Sometimes I just ran into my shell.  After leaving my job as an Office Manager in 2000 (one of the biggest mistakes of my life), I made another vague attempt at working for myself.  I did graphic design and personal coaching, which I was actually good at.  But I was flailing badly.  Chasing after money instead of passion and even then it was half hearted.  I was doing it for all the wrong reasons and despite the lies I told myself, I wasn’t ready.  Fast forward four years, a move, a divorce, a bankruptcy, death of a parent, and several temp jobs later I went back to school. In 2007 I walked across the stage and got my Associates Degree in Graphic Design at age 36. Yes, I’m old.  I toyed again with the idea of freelance and actually did have some clients.  But still I felt pressure, real or imagined, to bring in higher wages NOW.  In the fall of 2008 I took a temporary job as a designer.  When it came time for my assignment to end, a co-worker quit and I was offered her job.  I accepted it, of course.  And felt physically ill afterwards.  Once again I went running for shelter.  Why couldn’t I be brave?

No choice but what I’ve accomplished

In August 2012, I got let go from this job for the second time.  I really didn’t do anything after being let go.  I figured it would be the same as when I had gotten let go the year before, a two month vacation before something would change and I’d be brought back.  Well a little over a month later something did happen; the company shut it doors and filed bankruptcy. Ruh Roh!  But blessings in disguise and all of that.  I’d had started writing in June of 2012, well writing again, and sometimes it truly annoyed me that I had to go to work and not write.  It had started a fire in me and my goodness I finally felt true passion.  Then there was design.  I had been in a design rut for four years, the magazine I worked for was very specialized.  It was also highly stressful, so the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was more design. So now I would have time to do what I wanted right? I didn’t have the job holding me back.  So this is what I’ve done in the nine months being let go from my work;

One of my recent designs

One of my recent designs

Written (completed or in progress) 6 fan fiction stories

Written 1 novel, currently unpublished.

Written 113 movie reviews (three were written for another site prior to this blog)

Written 3 television reviews (also written for another site)

Written various blog entries

Designed 38 book covers

Designed 3 flyers

Designed 4 postcards

Designed 3 logos

Good but could I do so much more.

Wow, that kinda seems like a lot.  But in reality, I could’ve accomplished so much more, if I stopped wavering.  Doubting the feelings in me that said this is what I’m supposed to do.  I’ve said several times to different people, if I could design covers every day I would be happy or if I could make a living from writing… But I didn’t believe for one second it was possible. Hitting Level One seller on Fiverr did help me believe it was possible and 39 days later, I hit Level Two.  I started to think yes, I can do this, I need this.  What also helped was exhausting my initial employment benefits, marking over six months of finding diddly over squat.  Nothing is out there for me in my field with my current level of qualifications.  The places I’ve applied for want more education on paper than I have.  I need to let this go.  The last two months has really shown me what’s possible, I need to own that.  I need to develop that.  Quit looking at this a temporary solution, a filler, a side item.

Private time with me and Buddha

Same pose but different color from my Buddha statue

Same pose but different color from my Buddha statue

This morning I spent a bit of time thinking, mediating with one of my Buddhas in my hands.  I have about a dozen of them.  I’m a bit of a religious mutt, believing every religion has a piece of the truth, but I’m drawn to images of the Buddha.  Anyway, I’m sitting there contemplating what I want, what direction I need to go when this affirmation pops into my head.  I’m not big on affirmations but I find myself repeating this one over and over and the emotions inside, well they are feeling really scary.  It’s not just saying the words, I feel compelled to repeat them, over and over again.  I feel them in my ears, my throat, they are overwhelming me.  Is this what clarity feels like?

Expecting more, letting go.

So all this navel gazing to say what?  There is a number written on a 3×5 card and pinned to my cork board above my laptop.  I can’t miss it.  That is the number of freedom, of letting go of unemployment, of feeding dreams and passion, of letting go of fear and the myth of safety.  Expect more from me because I will be expecting more of myself. Everyone has at least one gift. The trick is learning to accept it.

This is my path

This is my destiny

I will not stop, and


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Posted by on May 8, 2013 in introspective, Writing


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